Why Communication is Key
When you are living with chronic pain you tend to bottle a lot of things up for many reasons:
- You don't want to always be talking about your pain
- Fear of what others may think / Being Judged
- People not understanding
- It seems more real when you talk about it
- It consuming your life
- People getting tired of hearing about it
- Putting pressure on loved ones
- Not wanting people to treat you differently
These are just a few reasons as to why you may not speak out about all the pain you are constantly in. The thing with chronic pain is that it doesn't go away, wether it be a dull, nagging ache or severe debilitating pain, it is there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
Some days can be worse than others and some days can be better than normal and this can be confusing for people to understand. Especially loved ones and people we live with. It is days like these in particular that communication is key. If you are happy one minute then the pain forces you to become moody and snappy the next, this can be mistaken by people as rudeness if you haven't told them what is causing you to feel that way. It is the same as you knowing that one person who is always grumpy and miserable, you assume that is just their personality because you haven't been told what is happening behind closed doors. How are you to know that when they get home their family is horrible to them, they are unloved, struggling financially with a partner who is sleeping around and doesn't care and kids who are reckless. You would never know because you cannot see any of this and physical pain is shown in the same way. People cannot physically see the pain you are experiencing, therefore they may never know about it.
It is important for others to understand what you are feeling, not only to reassure them, but for them to understand how they can help. Certain pain may want you to be alone and not bothered, you may need help getting things or helping ease the pain. Good days you may want extra company and really want a chat, but people may be standoff-ish with you as they assume everyday is the same and you need space. This is something my partner and I struggled with for a while and after we learned to communicate this became a lot better. Before I used to communicate my pain with him I could be horrible and snappy and he wouldn't understand why, I would push him away because I didn't want to be touched and subsequently I would be upset and couldn't understand why he wouldn't go near me when I was feeling better. He told me he had become afraid to touch me because he didn't want to be pushed away or hurt me. He never knew when he would be 'allowed' to be affectionate and always waited for me to approach him. This started to make me feel slightly unloved and before he explained why I couldn't see this for myself, I was too focused on how the pain made me feel.
Now on bad days I will say my pain is worse, let him know if I need a little extra space or rest and apologise for any abnormal behaviour. By doing this, he didn't feel he was doing anything wrong, he knew what he could do to help me be more comfortable and he was happier because he understood why I was acting differently.
On goods days I will say exactly how 'good' I am feeling and what I would be up for, if we could go out, have friends over or just a night together and this made me so much happier because my partner wasn't constantly walking on egg shells, he knew my limitations and he knew he could approach me without being pushed away and him showing me affection without me having to make the first moved started to make me feel more special and loved again.
These situations can also be the same for family, children, carers or colleagues. Communicating how you feel is so vital to maintaining healthy relationships with people and people understanding you and your pain better.
- You don't want to always be talking about your pain
- Fear of what others may think / Being Judged
- People not understanding
- It seems more real when you talk about it
- It consuming your life
- People getting tired of hearing about it
- Putting pressure on loved ones
- Not wanting people to treat you differently
These are just a few reasons as to why you may not speak out about all the pain you are constantly in. The thing with chronic pain is that it doesn't go away, wether it be a dull, nagging ache or severe debilitating pain, it is there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
Some days can be worse than others and some days can be better than normal and this can be confusing for people to understand. Especially loved ones and people we live with. It is days like these in particular that communication is key. If you are happy one minute then the pain forces you to become moody and snappy the next, this can be mistaken by people as rudeness if you haven't told them what is causing you to feel that way. It is the same as you knowing that one person who is always grumpy and miserable, you assume that is just their personality because you haven't been told what is happening behind closed doors. How are you to know that when they get home their family is horrible to them, they are unloved, struggling financially with a partner who is sleeping around and doesn't care and kids who are reckless. You would never know because you cannot see any of this and physical pain is shown in the same way. People cannot physically see the pain you are experiencing, therefore they may never know about it.
It is important for others to understand what you are feeling, not only to reassure them, but for them to understand how they can help. Certain pain may want you to be alone and not bothered, you may need help getting things or helping ease the pain. Good days you may want extra company and really want a chat, but people may be standoff-ish with you as they assume everyday is the same and you need space. This is something my partner and I struggled with for a while and after we learned to communicate this became a lot better. Before I used to communicate my pain with him I could be horrible and snappy and he wouldn't understand why, I would push him away because I didn't want to be touched and subsequently I would be upset and couldn't understand why he wouldn't go near me when I was feeling better. He told me he had become afraid to touch me because he didn't want to be pushed away or hurt me. He never knew when he would be 'allowed' to be affectionate and always waited for me to approach him. This started to make me feel slightly unloved and before he explained why I couldn't see this for myself, I was too focused on how the pain made me feel.
Now on bad days I will say my pain is worse, let him know if I need a little extra space or rest and apologise for any abnormal behaviour. By doing this, he didn't feel he was doing anything wrong, he knew what he could do to help me be more comfortable and he was happier because he understood why I was acting differently.
On goods days I will say exactly how 'good' I am feeling and what I would be up for, if we could go out, have friends over or just a night together and this made me so much happier because my partner wasn't constantly walking on egg shells, he knew my limitations and he knew he could approach me without being pushed away and him showing me affection without me having to make the first moved started to make me feel more special and loved again.
These situations can also be the same for family, children, carers or colleagues. Communicating how you feel is so vital to maintaining healthy relationships with people and people understanding you and your pain better.
