Maintaining Healthy Relationships
Maintaining a healthy relationship is hard at the best of times, so you can imagine the strains and difficulties when you are living with a chronic illness.
Fundamental things to a good relationship are: trust, loyalty and communication. Without these 3 things a relationship will struggle to uphold, let alone be able to grow. Normally I would now tell you about a personal story and what I learnt from it, but I want this to be more relatable to you, so I will do my best for you to understand what it is like maintaining a healthy relationship whilst living with a chronic illness.
As I mentioned above you need three key things (in my opinion) to be able to build upon a relationship, trust, loyalty and communication. How can you start a relationship with anyone else, when you can't even get it together with yourself? Your body is far from loyal, it puts you in hard situations, drops out on you at the last minute and you can never rely on it to be strong when you need it. You can't trust it, you never know when it is suddenly going to let you down, when you are going to be ill, or even when you are feeling good that it is going to make you feel awful and as far as communication goes, well lets just say, my brain doesn't know how to send a simple signal, let alone give me vital warning signs that I am in a dangerous situation.
I think it is really important to sit down with those most involved in your life and really discuss the roles they play, things that can help, things they do that are intrusive, ways in which you can alleviate stress from a relationship like seeking help. There can come a time where your partner then becomes your primary carer, on top of working and trying to have a social life. Your relationship can diminish as they end up doing things for you as a chore and not because it is something that is done through love. Maybe that's a time to consider outside help, employing a carer or balancing care needs evenly and appropriately.
I see my chronic illness as the third wheel, it's the complication to a love triangle that will never go away. I am already fighting so hard with my body everyday to function that incorporating another persons feelings, wants and needs into my life can be very difficult and sometimes near on impossible. Simply, this is my chronic illness's involvements to relationships in literary terms:
- Between me and my partner it is the troublesome EX that is determined to have you back for themselves, they call at all the wrong times, they send troublesome messages and they will do all it takes to spilt you and your partner up.
- Between me and my parents, it is the trouble maker friend, who steers you away from being able to do what you really want, it makes you do things you normally wouldn't and turns you into a person you would never of been.
- Between me and my friends, it is the obsessive lover who rarely lets you go out, they control every situation and choice you make, they turn up when you are having the most fun to take you home and they even stop you from being able to speak to your friends.
Then there are symptoms that are stressful on a daily basis:
- intolerable pain levels
- increased stress and anxiety
- fear of doing things
- reclusiveness
- depression
- anger
It is important to remind yourself that people cannot see your symptoms, so when you are super stressed and your partner has forget to tidy up after themselves, that you can't take out all that built up stress on them. Be mindful not to snap at them or behave in a way that will push them away. Although you are having to alter your life, people are still going to live theirs the same way and they will forget that certain things are difficult for you, or that you may be more angry or emotional because of the pain you are in.
Having a relationship whilst living with a chronic illness takes time, it takes a lot of mindfulness and being able to control and repress certain emotions. Most importantly, it is about working harder than ever on the three fundamental things to maintain any relationship.
TRUST that people are there to help you, they want what is best for you and they will be by your side no matter what. If someone loves you enough, nothing will ever be too difficult, physically or emotionally, trust that they can learn to deal with it too.
Be LOYAL to your loved ones. Never let the anxiety or depression of your illness stop you from enjoy the time you have with them, don't let it control you or take you away from the people you love and the things you love doing. Find new ways to do things and never give up.
Alway COMMUNICATE even the smallest of things. No one will ever be able to feel your pain, therefore it is your job to try and help them to understand. Make them aware of your limitations and equally of your abilities. Tell them when things are a bit difficult, explain that you may not be yourself and ask for help when you need it.
If you are in a relationship or have any form of relationship with someone with a chronic illness, it is vital to keep in mind the struggles that they are facing every day and be mindful of how they are feeling. Remember to be patient and never give up with someone. Just because they didn't want to do something today doesn't mean there won't be another chance to try tomorrow.
Lottie
x
Fundamental things to a good relationship are: trust, loyalty and communication. Without these 3 things a relationship will struggle to uphold, let alone be able to grow. Normally I would now tell you about a personal story and what I learnt from it, but I want this to be more relatable to you, so I will do my best for you to understand what it is like maintaining a healthy relationship whilst living with a chronic illness.
As I mentioned above you need three key things (in my opinion) to be able to build upon a relationship, trust, loyalty and communication. How can you start a relationship with anyone else, when you can't even get it together with yourself? Your body is far from loyal, it puts you in hard situations, drops out on you at the last minute and you can never rely on it to be strong when you need it. You can't trust it, you never know when it is suddenly going to let you down, when you are going to be ill, or even when you are feeling good that it is going to make you feel awful and as far as communication goes, well lets just say, my brain doesn't know how to send a simple signal, let alone give me vital warning signs that I am in a dangerous situation.
I think it is really important to sit down with those most involved in your life and really discuss the roles they play, things that can help, things they do that are intrusive, ways in which you can alleviate stress from a relationship like seeking help. There can come a time where your partner then becomes your primary carer, on top of working and trying to have a social life. Your relationship can diminish as they end up doing things for you as a chore and not because it is something that is done through love. Maybe that's a time to consider outside help, employing a carer or balancing care needs evenly and appropriately.
I see my chronic illness as the third wheel, it's the complication to a love triangle that will never go away. I am already fighting so hard with my body everyday to function that incorporating another persons feelings, wants and needs into my life can be very difficult and sometimes near on impossible. Simply, this is my chronic illness's involvements to relationships in literary terms:
- Between me and my partner it is the troublesome EX that is determined to have you back for themselves, they call at all the wrong times, they send troublesome messages and they will do all it takes to spilt you and your partner up.
- Between me and my parents, it is the trouble maker friend, who steers you away from being able to do what you really want, it makes you do things you normally wouldn't and turns you into a person you would never of been.
- Between me and my friends, it is the obsessive lover who rarely lets you go out, they control every situation and choice you make, they turn up when you are having the most fun to take you home and they even stop you from being able to speak to your friends.
Then there are symptoms that are stressful on a daily basis:
- intolerable pain levels
- increased stress and anxiety
- fear of doing things
- reclusiveness
- depression
- anger
It is important to remind yourself that people cannot see your symptoms, so when you are super stressed and your partner has forget to tidy up after themselves, that you can't take out all that built up stress on them. Be mindful not to snap at them or behave in a way that will push them away. Although you are having to alter your life, people are still going to live theirs the same way and they will forget that certain things are difficult for you, or that you may be more angry or emotional because of the pain you are in.
Having a relationship whilst living with a chronic illness takes time, it takes a lot of mindfulness and being able to control and repress certain emotions. Most importantly, it is about working harder than ever on the three fundamental things to maintain any relationship.
TRUST that people are there to help you, they want what is best for you and they will be by your side no matter what. If someone loves you enough, nothing will ever be too difficult, physically or emotionally, trust that they can learn to deal with it too.
Be LOYAL to your loved ones. Never let the anxiety or depression of your illness stop you from enjoy the time you have with them, don't let it control you or take you away from the people you love and the things you love doing. Find new ways to do things and never give up.
Alway COMMUNICATE even the smallest of things. No one will ever be able to feel your pain, therefore it is your job to try and help them to understand. Make them aware of your limitations and equally of your abilities. Tell them when things are a bit difficult, explain that you may not be yourself and ask for help when you need it.
If you are in a relationship or have any form of relationship with someone with a chronic illness, it is vital to keep in mind the struggles that they are facing every day and be mindful of how they are feeling. Remember to be patient and never give up with someone. Just because they didn't want to do something today doesn't mean there won't be another chance to try tomorrow.
Lottie
x
